scatter-brained

i don't really have much to say, but i feel as if i should.

i've been doing a lot of internal thinking lately

and that always leads to disaster.

i'm worrying about spilling blood

and tripping in heels.

(if i'm worried about it now, why am i even going through with it?)

because there's always going to be some new plane

that you'll have to slide across,

most likely hitting the harsh angles,

but praying that the pinball arms can push you away, just in time, unscathed.

i really wish my printer worked

and that i felt like i was wearing my own clothes.

i actually had to stop and wonder this morning about what i usually wear.

isn't that strange?

in a closet full of my own clothes, everything seems old.

i wonder what happened to weekends with my friends

friday nights at burke's

and rolling out of bed whining

to go to mass at eight am.

i know i'll be back there soon enough,

but i'm starting to wonder if i want to.

will i be upset to leave?

will i yearn to come back?

i can't even imagine how strange that's going to be.

i've been having dreams about thanksgiving

in the most recent,

i go home

and devin wants me to go out with them

and we're standing in my side yard

but i'm not ready for the wedding rehersal

and i need to put heels on

i promise to mee up with her later

but my friends from here are there

and i have to somehow mesh both groups together.

this is so problematic.

i want to go clubbing with n. ho

and sit in govt. once again.

i miss walking around in the hallways acting like an idiot because everyone knew me.

isn't it strange,

that in a place where no one knows my name,

i'm even more afraid of being associated with looking like a freak?

i miss hugging without hesitation

and share prayer.

i miss feeling

and connections.

why did you get a new dog?

don't you think it's too soon?

i wonder if the leaves have started to fall yet.

i should probably go look up that tranny bar.