"night is the blotting paper for many sorrows. "

this is how it works, it feels a little worse

i feel so stupid- there's no other word.

i'm racing on but still keep looking back; when did you stop?

tenacity keeps me going

and the track continues, the end completely out of sight

but we have faith that it's there.

when did this become too much for you?

did you even think to clue me in?

with a deep breath

and the kind of finality that can only be acknowledged in one's mind

i do the only thing that i've ever hated-

cross-country.

goodbye jersey

it's raining softly

but it's still too much noise for a sunday morning.

my body turned to rubber as we turned the corner,

making the strategically high ceilings and wide windows futile.

there's something about the forced silence that makes me want to scream.

i hope that this wasn't goodbye.

lose the emphasis on the "i," michelle.

it might not be true to who you are-

it most definitely won't be true to what you desire,

but sometimes it's better to disregard emotion

and act upon logic.

i've never been one to find comfort in

a

plus

b

divided by indecision

multiplied by gray areas

to produce philosophy

but in the end

it's easier.

i'm being a coward in the bravest way possible.

second guessing every thought

every light touch

every conversation

becomes too heavy eventually.

[the soul can only track so much]

even writing this makes me grow uneasy.

i'm worried that you'll read it, no longer making it mine.

the sad (or in this instance more realistic) truth is that you'll never see these empty pixels;

this pitiful attempt at reassurance.

no one or thing is ever to blame for these forced puzzle pieces. It's life, right?

but i'm a hypocrite. i'm feeling angry at myself for having these emotions

i'm feeling ashamed of being so human.

when did i fool myself into believing that i was anything more?

weariness creeps in. there are two planes and i'm lightly blinking in the dotted lines between them. you might be able to pretend like you're safely settled on one, with your computer generated image, your mixed media plastered paper mâché. but once the thought to venture in-between materialized, you disrupted your own balance as well.

this is only a temporary status. permanent for now, but really, temporary for the big picture.

no decision made with the head for matters of the heart will be satisfactory.

no decision made with the heart for matters of the heart will be logical.

but this time, it's not right.

someone once told me in her drunken stupor to find something that's worth the hurt.

maybe i took her words too literally.

"Feelings are not supposed to be logical. Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions."

i want you, i need you, oh baby oh baby.

everything feels better now

when really

nothing has changed.

it's funny how that works.

anne hutchinson.

i should be writing about the millions of things that are on my mind

but i can't seem to sit still.

i just thought i'd let you know.

patience.

i can't pretend that i know what's to come

but i can pretend that i'll be alright with it.

accept

progress

and try not to retract.

embrace this that is your life.

dangling conversation

i've decided that the people in my life

are smoldering charcoals in my fire pit heart.

days,

months,

even years

will pass without so much as a conversation

and yet

those sparks that brought friends together years ago

can still be ignited.

lake michigan

maine.

seven is such a sweet number.