i don't know why i do this to myself.

progression

it's been years.

i've grown up and so have you.

but you died long ago, my friend.

the ashes of conversations we once could have had,

the memories of a relationship that never existed.

i find it hard to believe that any of the people i've met

or those i've simply brushed up against

or ever shared the same air space with

wasn't supposed to have shared the same experience with me.

this is meant to happen

simply because it is.

so enjoy it

don't worry so much about the, "why?"

as much as the, "what to do next?"

better things are coming, i swear there's truth in that.

i'm not hungry 

so 

i'm bordering between munching on shit food and air to satisfy my lack of a craving.

the constant squeaking of the dryer is endless

and the clock is speedily hurtling towards sunset.

i feel the need to launch myself into something, anything to make this day seem more worthwhile.

i hate not feeling accomplished.

a posting from all of my stickies on my mac

Door tags-

sweet things- cupcakes, ice cream, brownies, etc.

hot cocoa mugs

crystal balls

need to buy: glitter, confetti

28 Monmouth drive

east northport, NY 11731

have you ever thought about a particular deja vu that has happened in your past though?

have you ever thought about deja vu?

we name and claim everything that we see. we create what we see and state, we created it. we're living in a false sense of reality. 

i think that happens to us all of the time with major things. or at least with some people. 

it's all about society. if w want to go off of the god thing, if his way is the right way and the only way that brings true and holy and purposeful meaning, then wouldn;t he want us to understand and feel some physical/emotional twinges to let us know that we're going against some kind of moral behavior?

hershey kisses

chicken soup for the soul quotes

i want to...

Lockiophobia

Trypanophobia 

senticous 

snollygoster

lubency

boscaresque

"elyse... did you just get a dead baby in the mail?"

"it was a love tap."

"yes. a love tap... in your eye.... with a spike."

"we should write a song."

"a screamo song."

"and call it public mastication."

"I DESTROY NATURE."

"i can't quit you baby."

"yeah, i'm pulling that rubber out of my ass..."

"i haven't met you in forever!"

"'omg michelle! have you heard the story about the old men fighting over the arm seat?!'

'no!'

*silence*

'do you plan on telling me?'"

"he is pretty hot... for a lion."

"i don't get."

"if there was anyone i'd want to get in a car accident with, it'd be you."

"well at least you know he's bi."

"scared or like he just came, i can't tell."

Prayers:

alyssa- john's friend

ed fishkill

lady who bowed during church

lauren

lauren's mom

carl

jaime's friend eden and her dad

adriana's gpa

theresa from work

kevin- green day

people who hand out flyers in the city

bernie and his family

the rainbow connection

i wish that i could splay out every shard of my life
on a flat surface,

examining the paths that each one brings

and tracing it back to the beginning;

playing an endless record of possibilites and tracking every thought and motion.

don't forget to spend time with yourself.

why are you so afriad of being alone?

it's strange to play practical jokes on yourself

strange to expierement with the norm

turn off your phone

give up facebook.

what pointless connections to a world that we're already a part of.

i was thinking the other day

about how we used to connect when we were younger.

how i would sit in my kitchen with my parents and memorize my phone number

and those of my best friends

and the handful of people that were my world.

we were never able to see where the date that was late was

or where the aloof mother was long after pick-up had ended.

i hate myself for depending too much on others.

i've gotten better

so much to an extent that

others have started to feel ostracized.

i'll let everyone in

but no longer bother to weigh the feelings of others heavier.

this is a double-edged sword. no it's not

it's not a cliche

because it's real.

i am so sick of cliches

and the uncliches.

why use a metaphor when i can tell it how it is?

i'm tired of the collection agencies calling

and even when we do answer

(always me giving in to reality)

it isn't even a human being on the other end.

is it so hard to ask for human connection?

i just found one.

a surprised, tired voice.

i don't know if it was male or female

but does it really matter?

people always forget

but

ultimately we are the ones that determine things.

you're doing this to yourself

and you don't even realize it.

don't look at me like i'm the stranger

when you can't even recognize yourself.

organic.

why change something if it doesn't need to be fixed?

i'm stuck in an ever-changing cycle of mediocracy and mundanity

of what is now and what can be

and whether or not it's worth it.

i'm no longer editing

just thinking

and letting it come

organic.

is it possible to be completely organic in a world that thrives upon mechanics?

i am in no rush

to live the life that i'm meant to live

but i have no direction.

i want everything

and so i do everything

spreading myself out thinly

like an exploding oak, my arms cancerous as they spread wider and wider.

it engulfs and consumes

until i am all alone

in a web that was only designed

so that i could touch others.