girl night.

i'd really like to know when we stopped being happy

and had fun.

was it last night?

last week?

two years ago?

let's dance

and scream.

because sometimes

we get caught up

in the things we "should" worry about.

like wars overseas,

wars in spotless kitchens,

wars in our hearts.

but be happy for everything you have

right now

right this instant.

dance with me?

devin just left.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Oec8RuwVVs

i look forward to those late night chat rooms

when i hear about all of those guys you catch eyes with at parties,

and the other girls who have become your new dance partners.

it's going to be nice to miss the ridge together

and crane train,

and eighth period,

those nights at marissa's,

and drives in the parking lot at temple

under the cover of that deep navy sky,

and marveling at how the laughter in our eyes

was able to keep that march chill at bay.

but i also look towards the new things to come.

new hearts to peruse

new lips to press against

new hands to raise

new literature to immerse myself

new minds to intertwine with

creating an immense network

of love and unity.

complete wreaths

made up of individual vines.

but most importantly,

i'm excited to finally

fully appreciate the worth of you,

the warmth and safety of my own bed,

and those few seconds in the car

en route to a destination

when you give the once over in the mirror-

lips, eyes, hair, done.

those pep talks before leaving my bed

and greeting the icy tiles of the bathroom floor.

life's a paradox.

we can't live for the moment,

or else we don't plan for the future.

we can't look at the big picture,

or else we miss the details;

the hardness of a button,

the ambiance of cheap christmas lights,

the comforting scent of incense.

we lose so much in translation.

we feel rush when there's really time.

we cling to the fragments of the past that we want to relive.

don't we realize that during those minutes spent searching,

we waste new memories?

so take each piece of that glass,

that glass that holds you together,

and throw it away.

break everything that's fragile in your life

and make it something concrete.

i'm waiting on the platform for everything i've ever waited for.

(irony? paradox?)

it's unnerving to not press ourselves in the future,

like plastic colorforms.

it's unsettling to discover that,

for once,

you make each decision.

anthony, this one's for you.

leaving.

i wouldn't say i'm depressed, but perhaps i am. i hardly ever want to go out anymore

and when i do, i rather be alone. it's a strong possibility that i'm just trying to make it easier for myself in the long run- you know, that lie we tell ourselves that if  i distance myself now from everyone and everything, it'll make leaving easier. if anything, it just gives you more time to think about it. which is terrible for one who over-analyzes everything with a fine-toothed comb. regardless, i find it bizarre and paradoxical that i'm criticizing and diagnosing myself, hence why i deny believing that i am, in fact, depressed.

i wonder who ever deemed happiness as being the "norm". who's to say that our perpetual emotional state is one of euphoria and utter joy? aren't, for the most part, people upset or struggling? it confuses me as to why people find it shocking and a red alert when one falls into a depression or sadness. isn't it normal?

i suppose i just hate when others feel the need to "fix" things that don't need fixing. sometimes things are just supposed to be worked out on their own, with time. 

everything is so delicate. 

i'm almost too hesitant to try and experience life

in fear that i'll break something or someone.

but isn't that the point?

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house you grew up in isn’t really your home anymore…all of the sudden even though you have some place to put your shit, that idea of home is gone…or maybe it's like this rite of passage…you will never have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, for your kids, for the family you start. It’s like a cycle or something. Maybe that’s all family really is: a group of people that miss the same imaginary place." - The Garden State

if i could, i would immerse myself in that late sun, hazy clouds, damp aired street. sitting on the wooden chair, lighting a cigarette for a friend, talking just to talk, petting the dog of a stranger, scraping your shoe against the concrete. i don't know why, but i've always had vivid daydreams about sitting on those patches of grass and hill that sit alongside highways. they look so lonely and unappreciated.

i really only live once. it sounds so cliche and over-played, but it's true. i will die. you will die. but we wouldn't be here if it wasn't supposed to happen. so don't be afraid to take deep breaths or make loud noises. shake that stagnant snow globe that is your life and experience it. how often do we meekly peer from behind screens at the things we want to do, the words we wish to say, the love we need to consume, the actions we wish to complete? it's okay to feel the way you feel, to say what you say. never feel guilty for your beliefs or emotions. it's okay. you don't need the reassurance. drag yourself up to stand upright amongst fellow searchers and reach for the things you want.

it's okay. i promise.

within me a lunatic sings.

this past weekend, i went to all points west, which is a music and arts festival in jersey. although quite irate that i was unable to see both the gaslight anthem and steel train, i was introduced to the beauty that is elbow. while compulsively searching for information about them the following day, i came across sigur rós and feel in love. i had heard of them before, but until yesterday had never really stopped to listen.

compelled to take a trip to the library to borrow cd's, i returned home with eight albums, one of them being Með Suð Í Eyrum Við Spilum, their latest release. standing in my kitchen, the late afternoon sun spilling in through the grease spattered curtains, sigur rós playing, everything seemed so soft and ethereal. i felt light and pure, happy even.

my grandmother mentioned to my friend at church on sunday that i seemed distant, unhappy.

it shocked me that she felt that way. especially since i didn't think i was unhappy.

but perhaps i am, and perhaps i'm not. i'm just living. just trying to immerse myself in all i can.

i feel this incredible build up to something of immense greatness and i just want to run across fields, spin wildly. suck in as much air as my lungs can hold and douse myself in water. i feel like i need to cover myself in life so that i can start to live. i love that feeling of insignificance in comparison to everything else in the world. i feel like we all get so caught up in what's happening within ourselves right here, right now, that we forget that there are other people, other countries, other oceans, other schools, other bedrooms, other streams. how can we forget that life is waiting for us? stop being stagnant and force yourself to move. you're blocking the flow.