firecracker

"the solution to understanding today's woman is to realize that today's woman is an impossible situation. and wants what any human being faced with two conflicting sets of responsibility is going to want: a way out, an escape hatch; a passionate male."

ready for bed at 10:15pm.

breathing makes you feel lighter.

i really want passion tea lemonade

and a nice long nap, not sleep.

i want crisp sheets and white curtains

soft and mellow, like lemon sorbet.

open my eyes.

the mat beneath my feet, my arms reaching towards the sky

i feel myself getting stronger.

breathe in the day

exhale the burn.

i thought i'd come to like being alone,

but here,

with others,

i realize that it's the silence i like,

regardless of the number of bodies involved.

i am not afraid

to appreciate the world

through the eyes of one.

if you're smart enough you'll find this.

last night

when i was trying to sleep

on the too long college-issued couch

in an nyu dorm

a flip book of the past six years,

the past two years,

flashed and shimmered.

the dazzling gold of summer skins

and thin sweaters of winter

burned my eyes.

"too bright, too much," i said.

i thought about the guy who hit on me at the bar.

a searching arm encircling my shoulders

making small talk about my "look"

and asking me about my "writing."

i thought about my complete cynicism

the complete certainty that this is not what i want.

i turned on my side.

now

i was trying to think about how much i hate both of you.

i tried to think about the time that i dragged you through brooklyn

in the ice and cold and stayed with you in the bathroom while you were sick,

being completely okay with being there for you.

i thought about every time you berated me for believing him,

about the time you were ready to toss aside our friendship (mid-cigarette, begging not to hear what you said in late night texts)

because he made you believe that we were against you.

i tried to think about how you were rude and cold when i told you about my break-up,

i thought about how you said you always hated him

and suddenly didn't.

in fact,

you thought you felt exactly as i did.

i thought about you have a pity party every time that something hurtful

happens to another.

"but that's nothing like me and roger" or "i'm having a shitty week" to excuse your outbursts.

i thought about how i was okay with this when i shouldn't be.

i thought about how out of everyone

you two are the only ones that i excuse.

i tried to think about how i don't hate either of you

at all.

and in the midst of this storm

i always came back to one though,

about leaving it be

and letting the two of you be together;

knowing that the happiness of two

is more important than of one.

i could only keep thinking about what you never allowed me to have.

so i'm packing up specialty beer bottles

and a year's worth of hope

and shipping them off to you.

they're yours now.

make sure to tell yourself that it'll be okay at night

and wake up prepared to face uncertainty at every look

every touch

every word.

(folk song in c)

i've counted everything

and you should know it.

one day i'll find something

that'll keep me satisfied.

they call me merriam

i wish i was lissome.

daintily sitting on a chair, taking up less space

a hollow parakeet of your creation.

bright, painted eyes

straight-lined smile

we'd sit and talk,

my thin wrist balancing a china cup

as dainty as the imbroglio we had rolled ourselves into.

"i dreamt about petrichor," i thoughtfully added, breaking from my script.

"i guess i miss the unity."

tall and serious, your eyes darken.

with a lick of your forefinger

the page of our script is sharply reversed.

this palimpsest is beginning to wear thin.

just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do

doesn't mean she's your soulmate.

box of stones

91 items

summers never seem to leave

the gates that you lock them behind.

warmth and belonging

i feel what i wanted to be there

not was.

but the ivy left the yard and escaped into the fall

and the winter.

re-start.

this is only temporary.

give time for yourself.

in sickness

there's nothing to say.

and that's not good enough for you.

bean bag chairs

and nauseating strawberry air freshener,

don't be surprised by how cold i am.