i love you.

i just realized that i've always known.

i remember doing the twelve lady bugs dance in dolce's house

i remember the morning pounding at the window

i remember standing in the rain,

wishing that you wouldn't leave me anymore.

i've always known that you will go

or that i will, perhaps.

i say it over and over and over

and it still doesn't change that one day

i

will be without 

you.

and i feel like i'm the only one who does sometimes

(and at others, i know you do too. and i almost wish you didn't because i know the pain.)

everytime i look at you

i'm about to cry.

sometimes i hate myself for leaving.

not just you, but everyone i've ever known.

i used to have this dream when i was little

about us huddling around in a circle in grandma's kitchen

in fairview.

i remember that we had all joined arms- ready to protect ourselves from whatever was about to come, from whatever direction.

perhaps the most memorable part

was when i looked into grandma's purse

and found one of the sesame sticks she used to carry.

she let me have it with a smile.

i don't know why i know this

and i don't know if anyone else

can know like me either.

i just hope i understand soon enough.